wow, has it been a week since ive posted, ive been home, dealing w/family drama, of which there is no end
on my way back to the cuse now, been working on my novel, got a lot of that dreaded beast - raw manuscript
hopefully will be able to make it presentable in next two weeks, no way i will be able ot make it good in 2 weeks
was reading this most interesting op ed from nyt on aging, talked about how debilitation was inevitable
called old age "an unrelenting struggle laced with moments of grace" say all the healthy eating and such wont hold it off, will help but the hammer of age is inevitable
and i thought about how most everybody i know (50s and 60s) going thru aging parent issues, dealing with debilitated parents or parents recently gone after long struggle
and i think how i hope i am one of the exceptions who is productive up into his 90s but i dont want to live like my mother did her last few years, not if it means somebody has to flip me over and wipe my ass, id rather check out early, see you on the other side, apparently men are cowards when it come to the oldage struggle, we tend to check out quicker, forget the lingering bit, that takes courage
its because of that sense of impending mortality that i am so desperately focused on getting my work done these days, that and the fear of losing my chops, it doesnt have to go alzhiemers, just not being sharp as i
was when i was 40, or 60, all writers eventually reach that point where they not strong anymore, and the horrible thing about it is that oftimes you dont realize you dont have chops anymore and you still putting out work but its not worth anything
i remember when that happened to my mentor, babajohn killens, and he would bring his work to workshop
and read it and we would like cringe and we would o so delicately suggest, john, maybe its time to do your autobio but he didnt want to do it because he felt like that meant his productive years were over, but they were anyway
thats why i didnt totally trust my students positive responses when they workshopped it, there will always
be a certain restraint in their willingness to tell me that what im doing dont cut the muster no more
got to be willing at all times to face the truth and make your adjustments and still do something that is productive on another plane,
im going to concentrate now on my holybook, which i could do in my sleep, and doing shortstories, which for me is like time out, and ima rewrite my autobio every 10 years, bring it up to speed
cause right now i just dont feel like i have another novel in me, i dont know that i will be given
another decade of productivity, im hoping and praying but im not betting on it
speaking of mortality, didnt get any work done today, been on the road, no work is a bummer, a stone cold bummer
feel like life is getting away from me when i dont get my work done, everyday you dont work like a dog
mean thats a day you fell behind, was thinking about what article said about old age, an unrelenting struggle laced w/moments of grace
and i thought, except for when you young and not conscious yet, that define life at any point
once you conscious you realize just how hard a grind it is to live well
and apparently to die well too
im out
rdoc
TUESDAY
hello world
instead of working for real this morning, ie the text, i was working on the dedication, ie avoidance
was thinking this morning about some family issues that went nuclear, dont feel like being bothered
with unnecessary drama but i got to try to fix it if i can, was thinking how you have to be able to compartmentalize family drama
when you sit down to write
was also thinking about my students, been keeping up w/them, they all taking care of business, serious production, just as proud of them as i can be, this batch ready to go
but mostly im feeling scared because im trying to do this rewrite and make it a successful rewrite, take
the novel to higher ground in the next 2 weeks, and im afraid i will fail this test, apparently my fears are
always ready to come down on me, but this what i been trained to do, work thru them
i love being me, i play humble but on the real side i think im one of historys great players
i dont go around telling folk cause that aint cool and low profile always the strong move
i tell folk read my blog cause this my space where i speak my truth
i figure i might as well use the fact i got such selectl readership to
do my destinywork here
and there are folk on this planet who think im the answer to blackfolks dreams
aint a lot of them but they there, and i live to satisfy them, to justify their faith
in my maturity i aspire to be that for all the world, for all the generations
i been mostly a failure in these aspirations but thats to be expected when
you reach as high as i do, even a little success counts
and because ima writer even my failure just material
its failure make the best literary material - i love being me
all the dues ive paid, all the regrets and tribulations, its all good
you reach a certain point in your life where you say this is me
and this is it - count your blessings
may the coming year be good to you - all my love
rdoc
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