old boy rickydoc has got the blues

SATURDAY

im feeling much better now, worked hard yesterday, my customary response to both victory and defeat
worked on novel, worked on zoraneale, worked on brer rabbit, the schedule figured out yesterday

feel by the wayside, i worked on everything, which is okay, only project i didnt work on is holybook
today will be for rest and hoodoo book of flowers

im out

 

 

FRIDAY

old boy has got the blues
got my latest rejection letter, well, rejection email

from an editor who handles writers i respect
challenging black male artists that hes helped

make into contenders, he say ima narrative virtuoso
but ultimately 'the story fell flat"

say my 'story is not compelling', say its more about
storytelling than it is storytelling - man that hurt

storytelling - that on which i pride myself most

by somebody i cant blow off as not being sophisticated
enuf to get it, to understand my brilliance, he understood

and found it wanting

at one point he says 'its not that i dont like metastorytelling, i love it when wideman and chamoiseau do it'
jesus christ, the two folk who have most influenced my own metalick, he saw all that, and still found me wanting

i realize then my agent has probably all along sent it to folk she thought would
appreciate what i do, and one by one they have found me wanting  - apparently there

is nobody willing to gamble on me - all i can do is burrow down and work harder, try to be
stronger, more productive, more serious about what i do, the quality of my literary game

so now, do i hit that novel one time with story in mind, or do i put it out my mind as ive done other responds

i dont think i can ignore this one, 'no story' is too close to home, above all else ima storyteller, i will
at least do a read thru w/story in mind and see what comes of it

so, my sabbatical is soon over and me with major projects still on the board, suddenly im underwater again

let me see if i can get a little order here:

storydraft of rest for the weary - two weeks
crowning zoraneale performance - next 2 weekends
draft of hoodoo book of flowers - two weeks
syllabus for china classes - 1 weekend

this is of course a superhuman and impossible schedule, but thats what i do, dream
then with all my power try to make it happen, channel all that desperation into product

work of historical stature and significance

this reflects a confidence in myself that is unshakeable, that is not subject to review
i might get rocked every once in awhile, but that comes w/the territory when you aspire

so, then, july in china: need to have manuscritps ready for longhand on

those long plane rides and china downtime: 3 manuscripts:

rest for the weary
hoodoo book of flowers
brer rabbit redux

draft of george hunt profile

ok, 4 manuscripts - get on plane with 4 manuscripts ready for longhand

then august:

draft of hoodoo book of flowers
draft of writing text
short story study

then i will feel like ive had a productive sabbatical
then i will be willing to go back to work on the plantation

so far ive made that novel much stronger than the one that they are now rejecting,
and thats whats most impo to me anyway, i got to remember that when these blues

threaten to take me down, definitely do a storytelling draft, compelling story is where i live

somebody will publish it one day and when they do i want it to be strongest
it can possibly be, so powerful it can not be ignored, no false notes, not a one

make everybody who turned me down regret it

& everytime i hit it it gets stronger, or at least i think it does, at this point all i can do is double down,

but my faith is wavering, my greatest fear is that it is a farce and im not real, that ive
already peaked, a 2nd string wannabe - and so far the industry is saying no, not real, sorry

for a year now i been fending off the blues but they have
broken through on me today and they are abusing me badly

why do the gods of literature hate me so - what have i done to be so denied

i got to be stronger in my worship

i trust they still love me, i trust they want to keep me hungry for a reason

that i might never rest and continue in my desperation to unceasingly devote my life

to literary achievement, whereas if i were to get some play i might start coasting - you think?

well, it doesnt matter how i feel, ima keep writing as if i were in full confidence what i aspire to be

a great writer, a true voice

conduct yourself as you aspire to be and you are

this is the essence of conjuration

all my love

rdoc