me and that holybook - i just give the bugfuck up

MONDAY

i been fiending, the more desperate i get the harder i work
i must have had about 4 hours sleep in last 48 hours

im in the zone, restructured it from 7 point structure back to 9 point
just didnt have enough room to play w/ 7 point and prefer 9 anyway

and just so folk dont think all i do is whine and whimper
been talking to a canadian press thats bringing out the revised

edition of promiseland for north american market and they
doing it ebook too, my 1st ebook, that tickle me, about

time i had some good news

im out, got to get back to the grindstone

5 more days and i will be on the big iron bird
ima be glad to out of here, the thrill is gone

yesterday after working all day i went out to take a walk and get some air
ima miss the neighborhood, picked up a melon and considered a teahouse

run, im very much ready to go and at the same time hate to go
live is just perverse aint it, we did frosts path not taken in class friday

everybody thinks its about taking the hard path, but its not
its about arbitrarily regretting whatever path you didnt take

and tarting it up afterwards like it was a principled decision

im out

rdoc

 

 

SATURDAY

i give up, i just give the fuck up, i just give the bugfuck up
been repositioning all this old manuscript and this shit

is just horrid, theres no fucking way this shit will make the cut
and be a contender with the great fucking holybooks of the world

its like i just dont have it in me, but i got no options at this point in the game
been dreaming of this work too long to not stick with it and accept whatever

i come up with, but in my heart ive given up on it being a contender

i just give the bugfuck up

i feel like saliere (?) in amadeus, damn god, why did you give me
the passion for it if you werent going to give me the power

to make it happen

i tell my students all the time, those early drafts, dont judge them
they bad by definition, dont judge them, just do it, trust the process

just do it, ima keep struggling with the page,i been trained to be pighead stubborn
when it come to the page, i might lose faith but i will never give up on a major Work

thats not the way i roll, dont no literary Work get done if you in the habit of giving
up when you get dispirited  - o but in my heart - i have given the bugfuck up

it doesnt feel like its even going to be a good book
much less a good holybook - its shallow and pretentious

im just appalled

i think also ima little dispirited about my novel, i see folk publishing shallow bullshit
and i cant get the time of day, i cant get the basic play other writers get

and i think its an important novel, i think its a game changer, in so many ways
but apparently im the only one think so, nobody else sees it for a work of wonder

i would just like a little respect in my lifetime, thats all
the literary world has written me off, its like i dont exist

fuck respect, just let it get published, i will take that
let it get published, let the generations decide

my agent, one of the best in the business, has been trying to sell it for over a year now, this is amazing to
me, its a good book, and i just dont understand how the gods of literature could have forsaken me so

i talk a lot of trash about how i dont care what folk think
but in my heart i feel kinda broken

also my computer has got bit by some bad mojo
keeps crashing on me, and me stuck in china

without my axe

i just give the bugfuck up

oldboy rickydoc got the blues

rdoc

 

 

 

MONDAY

so buffalo soldier, what do you think about the reports that obamas ancestors were slaves after all

on his mothers side - allegedly one of the first blackmen to be enslaved in america, some brother who
was an indentured servant that escaped, was captured and was sentenced to 'servitude for life'

or does that just muddy the issue even further

talking about muddy issues, im seriously dug in on my holybook and its been
sobering - what im doing now is moving old draft manuscript into new format

one of the advans of this process is it lets me see what has stood the test of time
the last draft of this i did about 15 years ago, so mostly its all dated and some of it

is laughably so, shallow spiritual cornpone, its kinda discouraging, there is no guarantee
that this draft wont be equally bad, and this divination format doesnt have the power of

a straight narration, i fear this draft will not work either, but at this point i got no option

but to keep on driving, and trust in the process, i suspect though that at 62, i wont have
enough years left for another draft if this one doesnt work, i just got to hope that god

will be looking out for me

and these are just craft issues, the other thing once again apparent is that
im kinda shaky as holymen go - apparently holy is not my longsuit

i call myself trying to transform into strengths the weaknesses in afroam culture, when
it appear that i myself embody so much of them - i got the discipline of a betsybug

sometimes i fear that if i really am the hope of the race, we are in bigger trouble than we thought

all my love

rdoc

 

Comments

[BuffaloSoldier]

DOWN IN ARIZONA AND MEXICO BuffaloSoldier salutes The Funk. LOL. This is not the first time I've heard of attempts to Blacken the face of The President. I've heard it all since '08. I'd wish it to be true. But, and there's a big BUT, it isn't definite. And, wisely, he hasn't embraced the info. Are we mixed here? Of course. Everybody knows that. Hell, that American's American John Wayne could be descended from the same ancestor...or not. I do like the phrase "muddy the water" Truthfully, though, he wasn't sold to us as exactly one of us, was he? That's not what impressed Newsweek and Time. I hope for all of those who want this COULD BE to be true just as on the other side of the coin I hope those want the COULD BE of his false American Identity to be false. I'm BuffaloSoldier and I AM a descendant of slaves. No need for some team to hunt through my liniage.

[karen]

I'm just a small author with a small book who admires your work like so many others.so Don't know what to say except keep going keep writing. You can't tell your students to do it and you're not doing it anyway Looking forward to buying your first ebook and I'm sure the Holy Book will come together as well because it is much needed.

Karen

[Chinelo]

Doc, I just wanted to throw my voice in and let you know how much I respect and admire your work and your spirit. This too shall pass, but I think you should know that, in my life at least, your legacy has been to keep me slogging through this writing life. You're an amazing teacher and a writer of such grace, poetry and strength that you're a light to me. Just thought you should know...