MON 8/27 7:16 pm
done deal, ima do another read thru on
plane to aus and back, then ima put it
down and let it get cold, if the next read
thru reads thru ima send it off and focus
on other projects, im gone
off to melbourne tuesday, i got all
these anxities, what if something
happens ot my axe in luggage
what if i get on stage and freeze
fumble it, what if a cap falls off
so ima just put all that aside
got my novel done, nothing
can faze me, i will take a hand
mbira as a just in case, otherwise
come what may, fuck it, im golden
all my love
FRI 8/24 8:23 am
hello world, im basically done w/this draft
doing poetry drafts now, clean up work on
the new stuff, got about 3 days before i get
on a bird for melbourne, ima finish this draft
do a full draft on the plane et al, then put it
down for a month or so, do a read thru and
hope its clean enuf to turn it in
whats amazing is that a month ago i was in
despair of ever making this thing work and
fearing i didnt have it in me afrter all, now its
done im just as tickled as i can be, though it
needs more polishing and who knows how i
will feel once i let it get cold, ive felt this way before
but right now im happy, i got a text i wouldnt mind
leaving behind was i to die tomorrow im cool
turned out novel about death and immortality
i guess cause thats whats on my mind these days
and i noticed as i was going thru it, a lot of dead folk
im gone, trying to finish this draft today
by the way, im getting good on my mbira
ima give this novel one more year
and then ima do my folk opera
one of renee stouts pieces, reached
out to her about potential collaboration
gotta go
all my love
rdoc
WED 08/15 3:46 am
hello world, takes me about 5 days to do a draft now,
i am so tired of reading tihs novel, over and over and over
until you can read the draft w/o cringing, w/o doing more
than dotting Is and crossings Ts, i am such an obsessive
works for being a novelist, an artist, not so much for life
i had things to say, i dont recall what they were
might come back to me, might not, im zombie tired
i believe i might have to take a day off, im gone
been working all morning so i an do this w/o
guilt, i believe the weary need a little rest
all my love
rdoc
FRI, 08/10 11:06 am
hello world, so i might have mentioned my hand tremors
and i might have told you been having trouble w/my voice
i did not realize they might be related but i told my doctor
about hand and he say essential tremors, genetic, and i
look online, one of the symptoms is voice tremors and
im like what the fuck, cause when i speak now its
all tremorly fortunately when i project i still have power
for performances but its different now, and i have to
figure out how to get emotional resonances from a
changed instrument, fortunately hands dont tremble
when im playing except when i stand and get intense
so ive had to do some serious adjustments, have not
been able to type or write consistently and when it
starts and i try to stop it it gets worse, i fling food and
drink over the table and its diners, i cannot brush my
teeth or sometimes button my shirt, its been a trip but
the most disturbing is my voice tremors and often
runs out of breath mid sentence
adjusting the hand thing been relatively easy, i eat
brush teeth et al with my right hand now and its shaky
but i will cross that bridge when i need to, doc said
the treatments include beta blockers, other shit inclu
tranquilizers and its like fuck all that, sounds like shit
that will fuck with my head and my thinking much less
whatever it is that goes on in my head that is the
creative process, fuck that,, id rather tremble and
go silent like a fucking monk, ima try meditational
type techs 1st and physical therapy, and adjustments
the biggest adjustment so far been my voice during
performance, im learning how to breath different, im
checking out different tonals, see how they work on
stage and im adjusting to me more limited range
learning what i can and cannot do
while fully aware it will only get worse and require
further adjustment, further limitation, i remember my
father once saying he heard billie holiday when she
was youong and her voice ea brilliant instrument
and he heard her when she was older, ravaged w/a
lifetime of drugs and her voice nothing like what it
was but so much more because all her life experience
was in it, it had, he said, soul
thats what i want,, whatever i got left i want
the soul to come thru, i want it to be more
than what ive lost
im almost 70 now and this will be the least of my adjustments
as i head into this phase of life, still got my chops, still here
i got no complaints, trying to get these two big projects done
before im disabled and/or gone, and ima play my mbira till i just
cant play it no more an when my hands go bad ima just kinda
stroke the keys and mumble w/my remnant of a voice, if i
gotta limp ima limp but like MLK once said, ima keep moving
speaking of which, best i get back to work, finished a draft yesterday,
they coming easy now, mostly poetry drafts where you refining the
poetry, the story is coherent, some weak spots but the poetry draft
addresses them, the poetry drafts are fun drafts, where one word,
one phrase can add layers of meaning to entire text, ima read thru
this one more time and put it away for a couple of weeks, let it get
cold while i take care of business that has gone critical while
i been wood shedding, i got to go, i got to get back to work
hands fucked, voice fucked, my
primary instruments fucked,
brain still good, still got literary chops
i got no complaints, let me finish
this novel, the rest is gravy
god is good
gotta go
all my love
rdoc
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