Apr 9 4:41 am (pg 100 of 292)
3rd day straight ive not done a lick of work
bonnie had surgery yesterday so i was on duty
but i could have gotten work donne, im just tired
no work stretch like this is rare,
tells me just how weary i am
when you keep working burnt out like this you
just spinning your wheels and getting nowhere
i might just take a couple days off
if you spinn ing your wheels like Im doing now
you not getting any work done or rest either
you just frustrating yourself
have to officially shut down shop
finish watching zach avengers, read a thriller
mindless shit that turns the creative thing off
bonnie watches deep movies that make you think
i dont want to think, i want to space out, thank you
have not heard from industry about novel
fuck em, its a good novel, fuck em and fuck em
on this memoir, ive got some questionable passages
there and its this constant quest to be emotionally
honest and then i think its so strange and different
the industry is going to dis it like they do all my work
then today when I was sitting there just now
trying fruitlessly to get going and part of it is
me questioning what Im coming up with, if it will
sell, be picked up, respected, appreciated
the industry just does not know what to do w/me
bullshit gets published, i cant get the time of day
and i think fuck em, fuck the industry
fuck the literary world, fuck the readers
fuck em all
im telling my life story and
im telling it to future generations
and im trying to be true and honest
and ima let that suffice - fuck em
and that understanding was so liberating
part of my stumbling is my anxieties about
the secrets Im exposing, my own and others
and the value of the life i offer for cultural mining
1000 fucking pages, i must
be out of my fucking mind
each passage im trying to evoke emotional
resonances and registers, its killing me
and i know its still protodraft, i know that
when i reread it ima be embarassed
and disappointed and im just tired of it
months / years to tread and im bone weary
ima take a couple of days off
get my head right, rickydocs
traveling medicine show is
closing down shop, packing up the
Wagon, moving on to the next town
Apr 6 5:05 pm (pg 100 of 292)
not a lick of work, im just burnt out
Apr 5 11:18 pm (pg 102 of 292)
i coulda done the 2 but im burnt out
Apr 4 11:04 pm (pg 100 of 292)
just barely making my 10, 20 more days
of good 10s and i will jave a real draft
Apr 4 1:01 pm (pg 95 of 292)
I have been fully vaccinated
I can’t wait to get wild and do
The very same thing I been doing
Maintaining covid protocol et al
I ain’t eating at no restaurant
Take out works just fine
Ain’t hanging out w/friends
Ain’t going to movies etc
Parties? Be real.
I only do what I have to - whilst
Evading the maskless hordes
I have been forced into the
Very situation I retired to be
In - the woodshed - wrestling
With the work, clocking pages
24/7
Been a hard row to hoe but if the
Covid don’t catch me I’m good
And tonight ima watch Brer Kong
Kick that lizards ass - on tv
Apr 3 11:15 am (pg 90 of 290)
dammit its not fair, did my 10, still behind
part of the reason Im moving so slow
is that this been an emotional rollercoaster
i write thru great memories and i work thru
memories that sear my soui - again and again
did another page and im emotionally exhausted
got to take a break
percolate me some golden monkey
stretch my legs, take a toke
get back in the saddle
back in the saddle
Apr 3 9:10 am (pg 85 of 290)
been working hard all morning, 6 pgs, still
early, if i get todays 10 Ima eat into backlog
god im tired
Apr 2 11:51 pm (pg 79 of 290)
in about 5 minutes my top count willl be 102
and i will be abt 30 pages behind, i need to
abandon 10 a day but i fucking refuse
Apr 2 9:44 am (pg 75 of 290)
damn iim rolling slow, you see im losing top #s tho
that means im cutting more slsuh, very good
but i should be on pg 92 today, if i roll
my daiiy 10 i will only be 7 behind
i want to cuut my daily count to 5 which seems
to be whats happeing, but that wil mean 2 months
and i just cant handle that, ima stay at 10 and be
constantly frustrated but ima get this done this month
good lord willing and the covid dont rise
problem w/5 is its not superhuman
hell, anybody could do 5
takes a real writer to do 10
remember that, every
day remind yourself
takes a real writer to do 10
mar 30, 8:28 am (pg 62 of 292)
had to force myself to the sacred desk this morning
ive loss faith in the work, in the value of it, the narr
styee, the content, my life and its value, i got the
workhouse blues
just figured out how i can keep this
from being struptifying boring, will
put a segment from each days work
most segments arent this long
its raw text in need of revision
next draft:
LOCKING IN THE PARK: I WILL NOT ABIDE
so I had been experimenting with reading and commanding souls through this eyelock technique I was developing when I took a shortcut thru washington square park one day, so Im standing there in a crowd of folk watching some breakdancers, all male, popping and locking, when I notice this slim young woman of their age range staring at them with the hunger and I could see she wanted to step on stage so I settled into the hoodoo blink and caught her eye and once I caught iit I didn’t let it go and holding her in my will space I beamed at her, do it, she hesitate, she hesitate, do it I beam do it and suddenly one of her arms popped, rest of her still, still in eyelock, do it, do it, another arm popped, do it, and boom, she glided out into the mix, I let her go,
that kind of thing happen enough for me to be open to the possibility of commanding souls, I had already learned how to project charisma, had learned how to radiate charistmatic power when influencing a group or ritual performances designed to take a congregation to higher ground and how to focus charisma in a tight little beam when working individual souls during healings and the like, spiritdoctor work, formal and informal, as a hoodoo Im constantly giving folk life advice, as a teacher Im constantly giving young impressible folk guidance and grading them on how well they take it, its a daunting responsibility, you tell a young writer, oh you not a realistic writer, you need to write surrealism, thats your strength, you tell a young writer, o, invest the next 5 years of your life on a novel, knowing that most of them wont follow thru oor sell it if they do - as a hoodoo you tell somebody come to you w/an abusive spouse, oh this is no good, leave that person - or stay with them, whatever - whatever advice you give affects their lives, specially if they really trust you, and the tradition, to help them, to care, I try to avoid taking control of folks lives, I try to lay out the options and let them decide but the role (teacher, hoodoo) is fundamentally one of guidance.
cant heal souldunless you can handle them but souls are very fragile and should be handled with a very light hand, only then can you began to accumulate the experience that will make you a competent practitioner, sensitive to the crossroads moments in a client's life and development, as a trained hoodoo your potential for harm is as great as your potential for help, when providing guidance to individuals I have learned to always err on the side of caution, who knows what challenges this person must meet to accomplish fa, better to allow folks to find their own destiny, to meet their own challenges, the practitioner must capable of reading in the book of fa how far they will be allowed to intervene in a condition,
back in the day I took souls because I could, experimentation basically, in personal interactions with folk I found it relatively easy to exert my will on folk if I so chose, this when I come up with my aversion to soul stealing, I saw how easy it was for folk like me to take souls - as a practicing spiritdoctor this appalled me, got to ge able to handle souls in able to heal them but souls and destinies both are fragile little thing and should be handled w/ very light touch this when I begin incorporating prohibitions against mishandling souls into my cosmology, when I declared, I will not abide a thief of souls
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